So, I have three posts waiting to be published, but I needed to get this out. I had intended for this blog to be just posts of sayings by which I find myself living; however, I might throw in a couple random posts that are like public diary entries. This will be one of those.
This new normal of mine where behind every smile or laugh is a tear waiting to fall is harder to deal with on days that are momentous.
Decorating for Christmas we got to hang up stockings. When Austin and I married, we decided on matching stockings of different colors. When W came around we added a third color. Last year, we pre-purchased two more stockings of the same color. This year pulling out five stockings: one white, one blue, one purple and two green stockings, and only hanging up four was hard. One of my dear friends gave me an ornament last year that says, "two peas in a pod" on it. I will hang it on my tree. Some people wouldn't. It is part of M's story. V was as much anticipated, prayed for, loved, planned on and protected as M, so I can't just write her out of my life or of M's.
Minor things like the first time I unsnap a button on her diaper because she's grown, the first time I put her in nine month size clothing, the first time I brush out bed head on the peach fuzz, the first time I wipe sleep from her eyes...or major things like the first time she rolled over, sat up, says a distinguishable word, crawls, eats, or has a birthday are going to be times my feeling of joy will have a shadow of pain or wonder or simply long distance thought.
It's not something I'm going to "get over" - I hope no one expects that of me. M is a beautiful, happy, easy going baby and a reminder of a major part of me that's missing. I felt her life. I worked hard to feed her. I fought to keep her. I watched her "swim " around. I heard her heartbeat. I daydreamed about her. And while I never called her anything but Baby B, until she was gone, I had a love so intense for V, that no matter how unfair it is to M, every first with M will also be a first without V.
